Disappoint Me Once, Shame on...Well, Just Keep Disappointing Me
Disclaimer & Release of Liability: Reader discretion is advised. May cause involuntary eye-rolling (whatever you’re looking for might be back there), fits of giggles, a raised eyebrow, a chuckle, or an involuntary desire to consult a higher power. Proceed with a sense of humor and wonder. You have been warned. Author not responsible for liability or lost or damaged items or sanity.Look, we've all been there. You meticulously plan the perfect birthday party - bounce house, ponies, a real live mariachi band. You spend weeks getting every little detail juuuuust right. And then, on the big day, little Timmy has a massive gastro-explosion all over the bouncy castle and the party becomes a biohazard scene straight out of Chernobyl.
Or maybe you ask your significant other for one thing - ONE THING - for your anniversary. Like concert tickets to see Celine Dion or getting that "Señorita" lower back tattoo you've always wanted. But NOOOOOO. Instead, you get a couple scratchers and a wilted gas station rose that's approximately a plastic replica.
We've All Been There, Right?
The universe is a capricious mistress who takes great delight in jackhammering our dreams into a fine powder to be snorted up the noise holes of life's cynical clowns. Hopes? Crushed. Dreams? Dashed. Expectations? Atomized. Yuuuuup, been there – done that.
It's enough to make you want to take your ball and go home. But where's the fun in that? Instead of polishing up that white flag of surrender, I'm here to tell you that there's an easier way to sidestep the gut-punches of disappointment - LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS!
That's right, folks. The true key to contentment is setting the bar so low that even an abandoned quarry would be like "daaaaamn, that's low."
"But how?" you ask, wringing your hands in existential anguish. "How can I become the Mariana Trench of expectation management?"
Well, friend, just follow my finely-crafted program of self-deluding rationalization and you'll be breathing that fresh air of low, low, low standards in no time!
Step 1: Never Plan Anything
Why even open that particular Pandora's Pinata of pain? The moment you start making plans and letting those devious little "hopes" sneak in, you're just begging for a letdown from the universe's non-stop kick-me sign.
Does little Timmy want to go to Disney World? Well, la-dee-freakin-da, look at Mr. Moneybags over here! Let that dream die, my friend. In fact, when Timmy asks about Disney, just respond "maybe after the trustfund kicks in, Richie Rich." And if he has a meltdown, you can simply say "there, there...expectations, met."
Making plans is a surefire way to invite heartache into your life. It's like walking up to disappointment and just unzipping your pants - completely unnecessary! Every single plan or event you put on the calendar becomes a precious little egg of expectation just waiting to be scrambled by the cruel spatula of reality.
Take anniversaries, for example. If you don't plan anything, there's zero chance for disappointment! Just have your typical Netflix-and-chill night, maybe grab a freed hot dog from the local 7-11. Then, when your partner doesn't get you anything or make any fuss, you can say "yeah, that tracks. We're solidly meeting expectations of doing absolutely nothing over here!"
Step 2: Learn to Actively Disbelieve
Let's say, despite your best efforts, someone tries to set up a fun activity or plan something special. Don't fall for it! When your partner says "I've got a surprise planned for our anniversary!" immediately jump to the worst-case scenario.
"Oh, I'll bet it's just a re-gift from the Tannen family next door again. Maybe some oven-burnt elf-on-a-shelf cookies or a scrapbook of their Branson vacation photos. Woooo, can't wait!"
That way, when the letdown inevitably occurs (spoiler: it will), you can play it cool and be like "yup, knew it. Expectation = met."
The key here is to actively counter any glimmer of anticipation with a hearty dose of pessimism. Don't just put up a force field of doubt - embrace the suck! Assume anything supposedly "fun" will actually be terrible.
For example, if your friends surprise you with baseball tickets, immediately decide it'll be a boring pitchers' duel that goes into 18 innings of endless futility. "Oh great, I can't wait to spend 6 hours watching some double-A players fidget and adjust themselves between pitches. Mat least they hopefully have those soft pretzels that look like buckledrias of stale misery!"
See what I did there? I strapped on my Cynicism Rocket Boots and launched myself straight into the negative zone! No hopes, no warm fuzzies, just a bursa filled with pure resentment at the prospect of planned enjoyment.
Step 3: Retroactively Move Goalposts
Okay, let's say this keeps happening and you somehow, through some cosmic fluke, start to think "hey, maybe things could be...nice?" SHUT THAT NOISE DOWN!
As soon as you feel an inkling of anticipation creeping in, stomp it out by mentally preparing for abject failure and resetting your expectations to "things will be hopelessly disappointing."
For example, if you get surprised with concert tickets, immediately decide the show will be terrible. "Oh great, I bet [insert artist] is just going to stand there and slur their words like a drunken seal for two hours. What a ripoff!"
And if, by some miracle, the show is mind-blowingly incredible? Simply retroactively decide you were actually dreading it to be even worse than it was. "You know, I went in thinking there was a 50% chance the venue would burn down mid-set, so them only reuniting for a ten-minute encore avant de se séparer pour toujours actually exceeded my expectations!"
It's all about keeping those goalposts in a constant state of flux in the direction of Suckville. Just when those optimistic tendrils start to sprout, threatening to become full-blown (gasp!) hope, cut them off at the root by resetting to "rock bottom" levels of expectation.
Oh, you thought that birthday party was going to be "fun" with the bouncy house and clowns and everything? Well, too bad! You should have been mentally preparing for Timmy to projectile vomit everywhere while the clowns just stared dead-eyed catching occasional geysers in their mouths. Doesn't seem so disappointing now, does it?
I Mean, It's Not Brain Surgery, People
Look, managing your expectations doesn't have to be hard. In fact, if it feels like any work at all, you're doing it wrong! True disappointment gurus make it look effortless by layering doubt, disdain and disillusionment on everything like a delicious Sadness Lasagna.
Just wake up each morning with a sunny, "Wow, I have absolutely no reason to expect anything good will happen today!" Let that mantra motivate you as you go through your dismal routine - discount underwear soggy in the dryer, car not starting for no explicable reason, microwave burrito crystallized into an inedible chalk frisbee, etc.
With each little failure, you can throw your hands up with a casual "well, there it is!" Instead of letting the indignancios gradually build until you're a festering pool of rage and despair, just Make Low Expectations your home lofi beat to vibe to.
And hey, on those rare occasions when something actually nice happens? You can channel your inner rave spirit fingers and say "OMG, I didn't see this meager sufficiency coming at all! For once, expectations...exceeded?"
Then immediately walk it back to, "I guess I should have assumed at least this amount of not-total-suckage, though. Back to status quo!"
So what are you waiting for? Stop setting yourself up for failure by hoping, and start congratulating yourself for constantly maintaining that exquisite ennui! Because at the end of the day, the expectations you never had can never let you down!
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I'll leave you now, spirits dampened by the oppressive fog of writer's block. But our madcap adventures continue next time the caffeine fits strike.
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