If You Hate Everyone, You Need to Read This Hilarious Guide
Disclaimer & Release of Liability: Reader discretion is advised. May cause involuntary eye-rolling (whatever you’re looking for might be back there), fits of giggles, a raised eyebrow, a chuckle, or an involuntary desire to consult a higher power. Proceed with a sense of humor and wonder. You have been warned. Author not responsible for liability or lost or damaged items or sanity.
Let's face it, people are the worst. From the neighbor who blasts their loud music at 3 am to the casual acquaintance who drones on and on about their kids' dance recitals, it's a wonder any of us make it through the day without screaming obscenities. If you're someone who has a hard time tolerating the vast majority of the human population, you're not alone. In fact, you're in excellent company – some of history's most brilliant minds have been world-class misanthropes.
Now, we could spend hours analyzing the root causes of your disdain for humanity. Maybe it stems from excessive time on social media, where toxic people spew hate from behind their keyboards. Or perhaps you had a traumatic experience at the hands of a rude store clerk who didn't even bother to look up from his phone when you were trying to check out. Whatever the reason, the end result is the same – you hate people, and their mere existence fills you with rage, disgust, and the urge to move to a remote cabin in the woods.
But alas, total isolation isn't really an option for most of us (unless you want to go full-on Unabomber, which I can't recommend). So how does one cope with this seeming surplus of insufferable dummies? Allow me to present some handy tips:
1. Embrace noise-cancelling headphones like they're a life raft
Invest in the highest quality pair you can afford and wear them constantly when out in public. That loud-mouthed jerk on the bus? Can't hear him. The wailing infant on the plane? Blissful silence. Your headphones are the force field protecting you from auditory assaults by the human species. Just don't forget to take them off when interacting with people you actually like, unless you really want to risk offending your grandmother.
2. Develop an alter ego
Sometimes, pretending to be someone else is the only way to deal with folks who get under your skin. Go full method actor and adopt a persona that has infinite patience and warmth. I suggest "Friendly Terry" – a cheerful Midwesterner who loves to hear about people's mundane hobbies in excruciatingly dull detail. Just don't let the real you slip out when Medicare Joanne from Boca won't stop yammering about her latest colonoscopy.
3. Start attending large events in a Perspex bubble
Can't stand being around crowds? Then roll up to that concert, sporting event, or annual Tupperware party sealed off in your very own human-proof bubble. Not only will it protect you from exposure to the great unwashed masses, but it's a great conversation starter! Just prepare for a million idiots asking the same dumb question: "But how do you breathe in there?!"
4. Brush up on your ventriloquist skills
Dealing with an insufferable co-worker who causes your blood pressure to spike every time they open their mouth? Then it's time to become an expert throat-talker. That way, when Corporate Jargon Jonathan starts his latest TED Talk-wannabe mansplaining diatribe, you can throw your voice and make it seem like his annoying droning is coming from a trash can or office plant. Confusion and awkwardness are sure to follow!
5. Get really, really into taxidermy
What better way to silence those incessant voices in your head saying "Ugh, everyone is the worst!" than by surrounding yourself with stuffed and mounted animals that will never disappoint you? Sure, it's a tad eccentric, but you'll take mute animal companions over real, flawed humans any day of the week. Just go easy on the lost and found animals and the roadkill...
There you have it, my friends – a curmudgeon's roadmap for navigating our loud, obnoxious, inconsiderate world. Will these tips solve all of your misanthropic woes? Of course not – as long as there are people on this planet, there will always be someone doing or saying something to make your soul shrivel up like a saltine cracker left out in the desert sun.
But look on the bright side – at least you'll be armed with some coping mechanisms to temporarily dull the figurative pain stabbing your cerebral cortex every time a garrulous fool strikes up a one-sided conversation. After all, the struggle of the misanthrope is real...and it's probably not going away anytime soon.
"Hey, you know what always cheers me up when I'm in a murderous rage thanks to the human race? Reading more words written by one of those flawed humans so hit that subscribe button like a sugared-up toddler at a birthday party piñata bash. It's still free — I haven't cracked the monetizing madness code yet.
But hurry, this offer is as fleeting as that cold coffee glob slowly forming a skin on your desk, taunting you with reminders of warmth's impermanence and our inevitable doom.