Behind The Church of Satanism’s Closed Doors
Exposing Satanism's Mundane Underbelly And Why Politicians Can’t Resist Them
Disclaimer: Reader discretion is advised. May cause involuntary eye-rolling (whatever you’re looking for might be back there), fits of giggles, a raised eyebrow, a chuckle, or an involuntary desire to consult a higher power. Proceed with a sense of humor and wonder. You have been warned. Author not responsible for liability or lost or damaged items or sanity.
Hello, folks! Your old pal here with another hard-hitting investigative exposé that's going to have you gasping in horror and delight. Today we're pulling back the cloak on a group of people you've definitely never heard of before unless you live in a cave without wi-fi: The Church of Satan.
That's right, I'm talking about a church that straight-up worships Satan. Not metaphorically, not as some deep philosophical exploration of self-actualization through embracing our inner beast or whatever hooey. Nope, they flat-out admit to digging on the Devil himself, Mr. Pitch Forker, Prince of Darkness, Lord of the Lava Pit.
You're probably wondering "But Dave, isn't Satan, you know, the embodiment of pure evil who wants to lead us all into fiery eternal damnation?" Well sure, if you're some kind of squarepants traditionalist who takes the Bible at face value. These Satanic folks have a nuanced, modern interpretation that's all about worshipping forces of nature and enlightenment and stuff. Because nothing says "enlightenment" like sidling up to the cosmic bad guy.
Their philosophy boils down to a simple political motto: "The self is sacred, so do whatever sinful indulgences you want as long as you're excellent at them!" Sloth and gluttony are right out, because those would make you deeply unexcellent. But greed, lust, wrath, envy, and pride? Step right up and embrace those hot indulgences! Just be really good at it.
Like if you're going to be wrathful, don't half-ass it by angrily honking at someone who cut you off. Become the Michael Jordan of wrath - keying every car in the parking lot, egging your neighbor's house until it looks like a delicious omelet, getting into Red Forman-level shouting matches with telemarketers. And for Satan's sake, take some prideful satisfaction in your world-class wrathfulness! These people are all about rational self-interest, after all.
Their ethics are summed up in these Nine Satanic Statements, which read like a hijacked Boy Scout oath written by a sarcastic 13-year-old goth:
1) "Satan represents indulgence instead of abstinence!" Because nothing bad ever came from indulging your every hedonistic whim. All politicians know this.
2) "Satan represents vital existence instead of spiritual pipe dreams!" Solid burn on all those dopey religions promising pie-in-the-sky eternal happiness. When's the last time one of them threw an occult orgy or get elected again?
3) "Satan represents undefiled wisdom instead of hypocritical self-deceit!" Self-deceit like pretending you're not engaging in hypocritical self-deceit by joining a religion that encourages unchecked hedonism.
4) "Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it instead of love wasted on ingrates!" Love they neighbor stuff is for chumps. Only be kind to people who have done nice things for you politically, or maybe personally.
5) "Satan represents vengeance instead of turning the other cheek!" Because the noblest human ideal is coming up with overly elaborate revenge schemes like a Bioworld villain.
6) "Satan represents responsibility for the responsible instead of concern for psychic vampires, like Democrats!" Wow, no helping out those lazy free-loaders who want a hand-out! Satanism is basically stock Republican policy wrapped in corny Hot Topic trappings.
7) "Satan represents man as just another political animal, sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all-fours." Insightful stuff. We're all just selfish beasts, but at least dogs don't blog about HOW SOCIETY DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THEM.
8) "Satan represents all of the so-called sins as they lead to gratification!" Well duh, that's what sins are - straight-up hedonistic fun times. Although these people seem weirdly anti-drugs, which puts them at odds with rock stars everywhere.
9) "Satan has been the best friend the church and politicians have ever had, as he has kept it in business all these years!" Self-awareness: 0, EdgeLordiness: 1,000,000.
It's a compelling list of beliefs that basically amounts to "Do whatever feels good and rebel against anything responsible adults say, but remember to take vitamins and be really seriously committed to your relaxed lifestyle of delicious, delicious sin, and sinful politics."
Now at this point, you're probably thinking "Okay, this all sounds pretty goofy but basically harmless. These Satanists/politicians seem like some mildly cringeworthy libertarians who spend too much time shopping at Hot Topic. What's the big deal?"
Ahh, but here's where things take a sinister turn, folks. Because these Satanic rascals are really into the old magic and occult stuff. Not the goofy pulling-rabbits-out-of-hats magic, but ancient pagan rituals designed to warp reality through sheer Satanic willpower alone!
According to their creepy doctrines, Satanists and Politicians "practice magic, the art of changing situations or events in accordance with one's will, which would, using normally accepted methods, be impossible, such as getting reelected over, and over again!" Oh heck no, they did not just go there! We're talking full-on witchcraft and dealings with the demonic forces of darkness itself.
Just imagine the nefarious possibilities here: A Satanist gets irked at their rude neighbor, so rather than passive-aggressively ignoring them, they cast an accursed spell that transforms the poor sap into a freakish half-man/half-goat creature. An impatient Satanist stiffs a server on the tip, only to instantly wither the waiter's face into a prune-like husk using profane magics. A Satanist/Politician cuts you off in traffic, and before you know it, 15 new traffic laws affecting only you magically sprout up overnight!
Not only that, but these devil-worshippers love to brag about their unbelievable Satanic Political powers. Their website is chock-full of boasts like "Satanists are born, not made" as if signing up for their creepy cult automatically unlocks eldritch talents and abilities. Sorry folks, but having an angsty teen ability to glare intensely across the high school cafeteria does not make you an occult warlock. That's not how any of this works! Or is it?
Although maybe these deluded dingbats are onto something with their virgin constituent-sacrificing hijinks? Because based on their number of members, the Satanic and Political magic stuff must be working like gangbusters. This church has somewhere around...200,000 members worldwide? Wait, seriously? That's it?
For a group that worships the supposed cosmic force behind all evil, betrayal, and depravity, you'd expect their numbers to be more than a packed baseball stadium. Turns out the dastardly Satanic Political conspiracy to corrupt the world's souls is going about as well as a Ponzi scheme run by inebriated toddlers. Maybe they can make more headway if they throw more pointlessly edgy pomp and circumstance into their rituals while televising them.
But we shouldn't underestimate the danger posed by these cosplay occultists. Even if their supernatural powers are roughly on par with the local magician's society, they still encourage others to embrace the "so-called sins" of politics, greed, lust, vengeance and the like. Sure, it's all wrapped up in excessively provocative "DON'T TREAD ON ME" rhetoric (and sometimes personalized State DMV license plates), but the message is clear: Be selfish, hedonistic jerks to everyone. Lie and tell fibs like there’s not tomorrow during voting season (there should be a Bugs Bunny-like sign we hang up for voting season).
Although in their defense, the Church of Satan is very adamant that its members can't be violent criminals or use illegal narcotics, mostly because they claim to be politicians. Because that would just be going too far down the road of sociopathic indulgence, apparently. As long as you commit your sinful indulgences through perfectly lawful channels like shady business practices, trophy spouse relationships, and really unsatisfying hate-watching of movies just so you can snarkily run them down, you're A-OK in the Satanic church's books!
Well, there you have it folks - the shocking, uncensored exposé on the Church of Satan's politically motivated dastardly operations. Beneath their edgy veneer of self-centered philosophizing and livejournaling about how they're sooooo Frozen and Misunderstood, it's a creepy cabal of would-be warlocks yearning for dark powers and a lifestyle of politically and socially approved selfishness.
Is their menacing sway over society growing by the day as they corrupt more souls into childish hedonism? Or are they just a tiny niche group of goth drama students taking themselves awfully seriously? Only you, the viewing public, can DANCE with THE DEVIL and then decide to vote for those candidates! And remember, wear your “I Voted” sticker proudly because it can become a talisman or insignia showing you’re a card-carrying member of “The Order”.
Folks, you just spent valuable minutes lost in the caffeinated catacombs of my brain. I can't promise profound wisdom or even a shred of sanity, but I hope the deranged ride was worth your while.
Speaking of rides, hit that subscribe button like a sugared-up toddler at a birthday party piñata bash. It's still free — I haven't cracked the monetizing madness code yet.
But hurry, this offer is as fleeting as that cold coffee glob slowly forming a skin on your desk, taunting you with reminders of warmth's impermanence and our inevitable doom.
Join my tribe of brave subscribers as we paddle the uncharted psychosis stream, fueled by dark roast IVs and blind humor. If life serves cold joe, just add ice and rebrand it a hipster health tonic.
I'll leave you now, spirits dampened by the oppressive fog of writer's block. But our madcap adventures continue next time the caffeine fits strike.